Sunday, February 15, 2009

Last Night I Dreamt

He would not speak yet wrapped me
up in the thick coats of night
kept me close to high
cliffs over which we peered
into crevices of broken ground
over which we kaleidoscoped
tumbling like coloured glass

The world became a gnarly tree
sky obscured by branches
animal shapes between thickets offered
flashing eyes that pierced or winced
signaled night’s willingness no words
just beacons throwing lines and catching
the fishermen balanced tucked between cliffs
tiny flares flickered at the ends of limber poles

A fish trembled the line bobbed
something was taking the bait
now only trails of sighing bubbles
we stayed until there was
no breath

1 comment:

William's Shaped Spear said...

I really really like this but it needs editing. I wouldn't put the title in quotation marks but make it the title and first line of your poem..

Last night I dreamed about

A man who would not meet me yet
wrapped me
in thick coats of night,

crept me close to high - crept me close doesn't make sense although I know what you're trying to convey here. I would change it to 'kept me close'

I would perhaps change the ending of the first stanza to "dizzy shape shifters"

I think the second stanza works well with the first sentence on its own - gives it more impact.

The world became a gnarly tree paths obscured by brambles berries - that doesn't make sense. Then the rest of the poem is a rush of description and the location changes from night, forest, cliffs and then water in quick succession.

The last stanza and the ending is very strong but you need to link it more clearly to what happened before.

Nice poem oh orangey one.